“I’m not much of a flier, it’s always been so scary for me.”
“Don’t worry, these things never go down. We’re completely safe.” I say assuredly to the old lady sitting next to me, knowing quite well these things go down all the time.
BOOM! The plane shakes violently.
Just then a voice comes over the intercom, “Passengers please remain calm, we had a small issue with one of our engines, but nothing to be concerned about. Just a little turbulence.”
The pilot wasn’t going to fool me. I knew we were going down, and fast. I leapt out of my seat and into the aisle.
Just then a sinking, rumbling feeling attacks my gut.
I have to shit. Right now.
With both hands clutching at my stomach I charge the cockpit, determined to save all these people from disaster. A stewardess steps in front of me, “Sir, please go back to your seat.”
“Move! I’m the only one that can save us!” I fire back.
“Sir, the plane is fine we just need you to return to your seat.” She began gently ushering me back, when I realized I had to do what needed to be done. She would just have to thank me later.
With no other option I clubbed the stewardess over the head and barricaded her in the bathroom. My stomach grew more restless as I slam open the cockpit door. “Gentlemen, your prayers have been answered. Hand over the controls.”
The co-pilot stands up, presumably to shake my hand for my bravery and courage. Instead, he tackles me against the wall and in doing so my stomach erupts with one final roar.
I’ve shat.
This would deter any other mortal man, but I’m not so easily swayed in these situations. I cough loudly to mask the sound of my bowels releasing and gently shove the co-pilot to the side. This is the moment of truth.
I lunge for the steering wheel of the plane, ripping it left and right, hoping to jostle the engine back to normal.
“He’s gonna kill us all!” The pilot screams, clearly unaware of my intentions.
“Everyone stay calm! I’m getting us home, even if it kills us.” I wink to no one in particular.
The plane begins a violent nosedive, sending the 3 of us in the cockpit forward in our seats. A lot of screaming and crying can be heard from behind me in the cabin of passengers. They have no idea their hero is behind the wheel.
"TERRAIN, PULL UP!"
Even the plane’s Siri is unaware of our imminent safe landing.
As the the mountain landscape below grows closer and closer I grin with glee picturing the crowd of reporters and politicians cheering, wondering with bated breath how I managed to do the impossible.
A sudden thud shuts off the lights in my head and a white light takes over my vision. That was unplanned.
I wake up on the tarmac of a runway, my hands behind my back and a group of men in army gear pointing guns at me. This is a weird way of saying 'thank you'.
“You’re lucky that pilot knocked you out and landed the plane.” A harsh voice bellows in my ear. I seethe with jealousy.
That show-off stole my moment.
I’m carried away and just as expected, a wave of reporters shove microphones in my face demanding a statement. My vision is still blurry but with debonair and a cool glance I manage, “Looks like this flight’s been dela — ..” Another club to the head shuts my lights off.
“Why’s he covered in shit?”